As a Bronco fan, I always bleed orange and blue. But this Sunday I’ll bleed red in honor of the Falcons…and because I constantly cut myself shaving. It’s not that I’m an Atlanta fan (though, admittedly, I have no reason not to root for them); it’s that, like many across the country, I am anti-New England at the Super Bowl.
But, whether you’re rooting for the Falcons, rooting for the Patriots, or going to the mall during the game to take advantage of the empty grounds, the commonalities between marijuana and football are easy to spot.
Okay, maybe not “easy” to spot; maybe more along the lines of, “if you get creative, you can totally see it!” Even so, the championship game is called the Super Bowl. Come on – that can’t be a coincidence.
So, what would the NFL look like if it was pot-centric. There’d be more focus on hashmarks and holding as all of us pro-bowlers smoked up, but there’d be these fine terms too:
Super Bowl Terms for your Super Bowls
Nickel Defense: In pot-centric football, nickel defense is what you have to do to protect your nickel bag from your moocher friends. Seriously, Marlow, get your own buds.
Delay of Game: A delay of game occurs when the edible you ate an hour ago still hasn’t kicked in. This is known as the neutral zone as well. How do you know you’re in it?
You’re begging the pot brownie to hurry up and work before your in-laws arrive
Busted Play: A busted play happens when the weed you bought from your cousin was really just catnip. And now Fluffy is pissed.
Eligible Receiver: You’re an eligible receiver if you have a medical marijuana card or you’re over twenty-one and live in a legal state.
Zone Coverage: Zone coverage is when you cover up the fact that you’re high. In other words, eye drops and chewing gum.
Encroachment: Encroachment is when your friends stand a little too close to you as you try to smoke a bowl. You’re in my bubble, Martha.
Forward Progress: Forward progress is what the cannabis industry is finally starting to experience. With luck, the new administration won’t leave us tackled for a loss.
Fourth Down Conversion: A fourth down conversion happens when you finally get high the fourth time you smoke. At last, you’ve inhaled correctly!
Down by Contact: Down by contact happens when the strain you smoked was a little more potent than you realized. This is also referred to as “taking a knee.”
Fullback: A fullback is what you inevitably get after a few too many nights of the munchies. Unlike in the NFL, in this football world, the fullback and the tight end cannot coexist.
Blocking: Blocking is when you show up at a dispensary without cash and the ATM machine is broken. The budtenders won’t break the rules and let you use your credit card. And security escorts you out for asking, “What’s it gonna take?” while winking seductively.
Fumble: A fumble is when you drop your last marijuana seed somewhere you’re not likely to get it back. Dropping it down a garbage disposal? You can probably retrieve it.
Dropping it at a petting zoo? Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.
Hail Mary: Hail Mary is what you do as a lover of ganja. Hip, hip, hash-ray!
Two-minute Warning: The two-minute warning happens when the dispensary stops selling at 9:55 and it’s already 9:53. The other acceptable terms for this: hurry-up offense and scrambling.
Incomplete Pass: An incomplete pass happens when you try to pass a bong to your friend and drop it instead. And now you have to find the dust pan (and now you have to buy a dust pan). If another person is involved in the incident, pass interference may be called.
Offsides: Offsides happens when you’re happily smoking in the legal state of Oregon only to realize you’ve unknowingly crossed over into the illegal state of Idaho. This is also known as out of bounds.
Pick-Six: A pick-six is when the local dispensary has a sale: buy five strains, get one free.
Time of Possession: The time of possession is calculated by the amount of time that elapses between when you buy marijuana to when you consume it. So, about a minute.
Screen Pass: A screen pass is when your vaporizer needs a new filter. You’re plumb out, so your friend hands you a spare one of theirs.
Quarterback: A quarterback is when you ask your friend to hold your weed, only to get 25 percent of it returned to you.
Snap: A snap is what you want to do when you’ve finished smoking a bowl and you suddenly find out that the pizza shop across town doesn’t come to your neighborhood because you’re out of their delivery radius.
Hands to the Face: Hands to the face is when you keep touching your face because the strain you smoked was especially potent and where the heck is your nose?
Winning Percentage: The winning percentage is calculated by the amount of THC in a strain.
A twenty percent winning percentage might not sound good, but in this game, it is!
Reverse: A reverse occurs when you start taking shots of black pepper because you’ve gotten too high and the giraffe cooking you an omelet said it was a trick that works.
Intentional Grounding: Intentional grounding happens when your friends lock you inside your room because you’re super stoned and won’t stop writing odes to Taco Bell.
Victory Formation: Victory formation is when you’re passed out on your couch with your shirt torn and a shoe missing. Because – yes – the night was that awesome.